The Problem Isn’t Your Aging Body — It’s the Body Hierarchy You Inherited
So, this is Part Two of my series for you. In case you missed it, I ran a series on social media, which garnered a lot of attention and comments. Based on your most common questions, the series included my top strategies for no longer feeling at war with your body in midlife and beyond. Each post also included accessible practices to apply the concepts in your daily life. As you probably know by now, I find talking about your relationship with your body can only take you so far. Practices and rituals that apply concepts to your life can truly bring about change- if you do them. So here we are. As promised, I will expand on the ideas and practices presented in the posts.
If you’ve found yourself feeling frustrated, ashamed, or disconnected from your midlife + body, I want you to know something:
The problem isn’t your body. The problem is the story you carry about body changes in midlife+ based on the cultural body hierarchy you were taught to believe in.
What Is the Body Hierarchy?
From the time we’re young, we’re taught — often quietly, sometimes loudly — that some bodies are more valuable than others.
This hierarchy places young, thin, white, able-bodied, heterosexual, cisgender bodies at the top. It treats these bodies as more worthy of respect, love, visibility, care, and health.
And it sends a clear message about the rest of us:
As our bodies shift and change, appearing older, softer, larger, disabled, or non-conforming in any way, we understand that our bodies are to be fixed, hidden, or controlled.
I learned about the body hierarchy most clearly while studying Sonya Renee Taylor's work. If you've been here for a while, you're likely familiar with how highly I recommend her book, The Body Is Not An Apology.
This hierarchy isn’t just “out there” in media or marketing. It manifests in our inner dialogue, self-judgment, our relationship with the mirror, and how we navigate the world.
Here's one way you may recognize your experience of the body hierarchy:
When you walk into a room of people, do you scan the room to assess your standing based on the appearance of others? Do you tend to gravitate toward those who look like you? Do you feel safer there? We all do this, and we do it without being aware of what we are doing. Our standingis based on the body hierarchy we carry.
How This Hierarchy Shapes How We Feel About Our Midlife+ Bodies
The aging body is often placed near the bottom of this hierarchy. So understandably, we're taught to resist it at every turn:
✖️ Hide the wrinkles.
✖️ Shrink yourself.
✖️ Reverse the signs.
✖️ “Age gracefully,” but quietly.
These messages aren’t neutral. They shape how we feel about ourselves as our bodies change. They whisper, “You’re losing value. You’re no longer relevant. You’re becoming invisible.”
But these aren’t truths. They’re the natural consequences of a system designed to make us doubt ourselves — and buy the solutions they’re selling.
But Here's The Thing: What Happens When You Name the System
Here’s the liberating part:
When you can name the body hierarchy, you can stop blaming yourself.
Your body isn’t betraying you. Your body is changing — because that’s what bodies are supposed to do.
The shame you feel? It isn’t yours. It’s inherited.
Recognizing this opens the door to something both powerful and gentler, something more truthful:
Your changing body is worthy of respect, care, and celebration — because your worth does not need to be earned. Your worth is your birthright.
All bodies are worthy bodies.
How to Begin Unlearning the Body Hierarchy
If you’re ready to start softening your relationship with your midlife+ body, here are some gentle practices to explore:
🌿 Notice the Messages.
When body shame shows up, ask: Whose voice is this? Where did I learn to think this way?
🌿 Interrupt Criticism with Compassion.
Offer yourself a simple reframe: My body is allowed to change. This is not failure; this is life.
🌿 Curate Your Influences.
Fill your feed, bookshelf, and conversations with people who affirm the midlife transition, body diversity, and liberation from these harmful ideals.
🌿 Honor Your Body’s Wisdom.
Your body carries the map of your life — your joys, losses, resilience, and growth. That’s something to honor, not erase.
Your Body Is Not the Problem.
The problem is the story you inherited about what bodies are supposed to be.
You have permission to question and begin to step outside that story.
You have permission to create a new relationship with your body — one rooted in care, respect, and trust-even comfort and confidence.
Your body in midlife+ is not a flaw to fix. It’s a testament to the life you're living.
If this message resonates, and you’re craving support in learning to trust and care for your changing body, I’d love to share the resources I've created for you.
If you're interested in more, I've written a book for you!
Unapologetic Aging: How to Mend and Nourish Your Relationship with Your Body
The dominant message about our bodies in midlife and beyond is that our bodies are a problem we need to work on by restricting ourselves and working harder to control them. So, it's no surprise that disordered eating in midlife+ is on the rise. I spent the last two years writing a book that supports caring for our bodies in midlife+, free of anti-aging and diet culture messages. Here's the latest!
Yes, pre-order links are here!
Take a peak at early praise for my book!
Here's an example from Margo Maine, PhD, FAED, CEDS, author of Pursuing Perfection: Eating Disorders, Body Myths, and Women at Midlife and Beyond
Two books for the price of one? Unapologetically Aging is just that. Benfield starts by poignantly describing how the body-shaming messages of today’s anti-aging, weight loss, wellness, fitness, and beauty industries intensify racism, oppression, patriarchy, and diet culture. Relentlessly preying on women and teaching us to look at and loathe our bodies but never to live in and love them, our self-respect is stolen, and our nervous systems dysregulated. Later chapters draw from Benfield’s decades of experience helping people navigate this toxic culture, demonstrating how to create a respectful and embodied partnership with our bodies.
Unapologetically Aging is a must-read for any woman who wants to understand and revise her body story—a gift that women desperately need today. Think of all the women you know who yearn to make peace with their bodies—I have a long list of my own. My recommendation: Get it (for yourself!) and give it (to all those other women, too!). We could change our world, and our bodies would thank us! It’s never too late….
Book Launch Happenings!
I am making plans for fun and meaningful gatherings (in-person and virtual) as we approach pub day, December 16th. This is more than a book launch—it’s a movement to reclaim how we nourish and care for ourselves in midlife and beyond.
I'm setting dates for the book tour and I would love to meet you in person! Please get in touch if you want to plan an event near you!
I’m gathering a small group of passionate readers to help spread the word in meaningful, heart-centered ways. As part of our team, you'll receive special perks, the inside scoop, access to more in-depth content, my deepest gratitude, and surprises along the way! Details are coming soon.
Join the team bringing age-affirming, body-liberating words into the world.
With Love and Respect,
Deb
